#6 Being Good at Sports

When you were younger you more than likely participated in some recreational sports activity, and may have been pretty good. But if there were 5 or more black kids at your school, odds are you weren’t a starter on the varsity basketball team, and probably joined an intramural team instead. Black people sometimes join these intramural leagues so that they can remind white people just how good they are.

Sports are generally a great conversation starter when trying to make friends with black people, with the exceptions of Hockey, Swimming, and any sport encompassed by the X Games. It is better to keep the conversation about sports teams and other sports professionals however. If you try and get too personal, you will certainly find the conversation one sided, as your sports achievements will pale in comparison to your black friend’s.

The reasons black people like “being good at sports” are simple. They are faster, stronger, and more athletic, and thus being good at sports just comes naturally to them. At your local gym there will almost always be a pick up game of basketball being played. Your one black friend may even invite you to participate in these, and it is a great idea to accept, but a terrible idea to actually participate. When you get there try saying something like “I sprained my knee at my hockey game last night, I think I’ll just watch.” This is great for 2 reasons. It gets you out of a situation where you would have certainly been dunked on, taken to the house, schooled, owned, or generally disrespected. And 2, black people don’t like hockey. So you won’t have to return the favor and invite them to your next hockey game, that we both know doesn’t even exist.

Not only do black people like being good at sports, they like being the best at their sports, and reminding everyone of it by setting records that only other black people can beat. All the best athletes are black (with the few exceptions of course, Brett Favre anyone?). Michael Jordan, Barry Bonds, Lisa Leslie, Johan Santana (Hispanic, but he looks black), Adrian Peterson, Orlando Pace, Candace Parker, Randy Moss, Hank Aaron. Even the best golfer, a sport black people don’t usually partake in, is black. Tiger Woods. Maybe you heard of him.

Another important note. While black people traditionally don’t play hockey, ping pong, water sports, tennis, etc. it is a bad idea to challenge your black friend to these games. I don’t care if you attended a private prep school, lettered on the varsity tennis team, and finished with a perfect record. Your black friend who never played is better than you. If you are going to challenge a black person to these sports try not to take it too seriously, they aren’t. They consider it practice. Kind of like how men look at playing games against women.

#5 The NAACP

    Founded in 1909, the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) is one of the oldest civil rights organizations in the United States. The NAACP was a major contributor in the fight for equal rights for all people regardless of race. Today the NAACP works to ensure equal rights for all people regardless of race, ethnicity, etc., but primarily black people, which is why they like it so much.

    The last recorded lynching occurred in 1968. That is only 40 years ago. 40 YEARS AGO!??!! Between 1882 and 1968 there were 4,743 recognized executions, and certainly many more unknown killings for little more than insulting a white man, making boastful remarks, or seeking employment, which black people do DO, for the record. The hard work and determination of the black race and certainly the efforts of the NAACP put an end to these racial injustices, so of course the NAACP holds a special place in black peoples hearts.

    If you are hanging out with the one black person you know and the organization comes up in conversation, make sure you don’t pronounce it “N-A-A-C-P.” It is pronounced “N-double A-C-P” and your credibility will certainly be questioned if you don’t pronounce it this way. If you have made this mistake, and your one black friend is offended, try offering them a grape soda or lunch at Chik-Fil-A, this will certainly put you back in their good graces.

    While racism, ignorance, and irrational ill will between races does still exist today, America has come a long way in the last 100 years, largely due to the NAACP, which celebrates it’s 100 year birthday in 2009. Today, the NAACP has programs to encourage black people to engage in electoral processes, receive equal education, eliminate economic disparities, etc.

    Black people may not discuss the organization openly so you may not be aware of it, but it is a certainty that every black person above the age of 7 knows of the NAACP, and terrible injustices black people faced just 40 years ago. There is no point in beating around the bush. There is no bush for black people. Just concrete, school yards, and the same desire and potential as every other person, of every other race color and gender.

#4 Hot Sauce

Hot sauce is such an important part of black people’s diet’s that it should have it’s own food group on The Food Guide Pyramid.  Tobasco, Rooster, Cholula, Alabama Sunshine, Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce, Mad Dog, Red Hot, at least 3 of these will be found at any one time in a black person’s sauce collection.

The reason for so many kinds of hot sauce is that black people not only enjoy hot sauce on traditional food items like the “hot wing” but will put it on most anything, if not everything.  Hot sauce on fries, pizzas, burgers, turkey, pasta dishes, fish, steaks, and mashed potatoes is not uncommon.  If you happen to work at an Asian restaurant, it is a good idea to have hot sauce packets on hand, as black people will favor this over the more traditional soy sauce.  If you have a restaurant and are looking to expand your customer base into the black market, there is no need to add new menu items, just put a bottle of hot sauce on the tables and the black people you cater to will be more than pleased.

If you are having a black person over for dinner, do not feel the need to go out and buy a bottle of hot sauce, because black people enjoy hot sauce so much that they will more than likely carry their favorite brand with them at all times.  When visiting a black person’s house for dinner it is a good idea to ask them if they have any hot sauce, as back people very much enjoy discussing their favorite hot sauces throughout the meal.  You may even be in such good favor with them that you may receive a “pound,” which is the act of punching fists together.  Do not fear this fist, it will not hurt, and in fact is a sign of respect in the black communities greeting and departing processes.

#3 Their Mama

    To black people there is a unanimous number 1 girl in their lives, their mama/momma and black people don’t just like their mama, they LOVE their mama. A black person’s mama is always the primary supporter of each respective black person, and black people love their mama for it. This love does not carry over to your mama though. They do not like your mama.

    Black people like their mama so much that they will very rarely talk back to her. Black people know that their mama wants what is best for them, and will thus do their best to keep mama happy. Whatever you do, do not… I repeat DO NOT make a black mama angry, it will almost certainly result in very adamant, unreasonable, and quickly spoken outbursts that you will not want to be on the receiving end of, let alone be able to understand. Even if mama is wrong, black people will not talk back to them as they are very experienced with these “outburst’s” and will do most anything to avoid them.

    If a black person talks back to his mama it is very likely that they will later write a song or poem about them, as a form of apology, but mostly to honor them and all they have done. Black people have numerous songs about mama and all that she has gone through to get her song made. Examples of this include 2Pac’s Dear Mama, Snoop Dogg’s I Love My Momma, James Browns Mother Popcorn, Kanye West’s Hey Mama, and Jay Z’s Blueprint (Momma Loves Me). These songs best describe the love that black people have for their mama. In stark contrast, the white hip hop musician Eminem, feels quite the opposite about his mama, as seen in his song Cleanin Out My Closet.

#2 Big Butts

Before picking a mate, there are several things all people consider including personality, physical attraction, intelligence, financial security, etc. These are universal qualities desired by everyone. Black people however, have another qualification, that if “thick” and “juicy” enough, may make up for a lack of personality. A big butt.

Both black men, and black women have an affinity for a big butt, and rightfully so. The butt is perhaps the most useful part of the human anatomy, and often gets little credit (were it not for your butt, you wouldn’t be able to sit in your seat comfortably and enjoy this blog). For black people however, the butt means so much more.

In popular culture it was Sir Mix-A-Lot who coined the phrase “I like big butts and I can not lie.” This song has become a must on any party play list because of its ability to make people display their butts at their full potential. More on the act of dancing later.

The butt is more than just a mating call on the dance floor however, it is a strategically placed point of interest, and black people take full advantage of it. A white man will sit and stare at a woman’s breasts for hours, often with the woman well aware, and disgusted. Black men will enjoy the view from the advantageous position BEHIND the woman, out of her line of sight.

Black people will often wear clothes that highlight this point of interest. This may be in direct relation to black people and the fashion statements they are fond of making (see #1 Fashion Statements). Very tight jeans, short shorts, and thongs are key items in a black woman’s arsenal, to compliment her big booty. Black men rely primarily on two things to mold their back end. Tall Tee’s, t-shirts that are extra large and long, are used to drape the butt, defining it, and making it more viewable. The other and much more blatant tactic employed by black males wishing to display their rear, is simply the act of wearing jeans 5 sizes too big. A belt is usually employed to keep their pants right below their butt. If you see a black man with their jeans below their ass or a black woman with her thong showing so much you could check the size, do not point this out to them. They are aware that you noticed.

When it comes to dancing, black people almost always will be dancing with the biggest butt they can find. Black women, who tend to have bigger butts than white women, are well aware of the attention their butt can get them and will result to “popping” their butt, which is the term used to describe a booty shaking dance. To white people popping is a very intimidating dance move, due to an inherent lack of dancing ability. Black people however, are drawn to booty popping, and the faster, and more violently the butt moves, the better. Let this be a warning to everyone, If you are on the dance floor, and a black person is shaking their butt, you better stand back or you are likely to be injured.

#1 Making Fashion Statements

From Kanye and his shutter shades to Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony’s assorted color coded sweatbands and arm sleeves, black people love making fashion statements. Black people can make a fashion statement out of anything, and look good doing it too.

When walking into a bar or night club the best dressed people there will undoubtedly be black. Examples of these fashion statements include but are not limited to; a very fashionable pin stripe suit coat, a baseball cap in colors not belonging to the team they are supporting, a sweatshirt with real money tucked into clear sleeves, a button up shirt that supports not 1, not 2, but every team in the MLB, or some sort of accessory like Kanye’s glasses, or perhaps a “crunk cup.”

Making fashion statements is so important to black people that it is almost a certainty that if you are black and famous, you have a clothing line, or at least a shoe named or created for/by you. Oprah, Sean “P Diddy” Combs, Curtis Jackson (50 Cent), Usher, and Pharrell Williams are just a few of the many BRF’s (black, rich, and famous) that have contributed to fashion beyond making statements.

If you see a black person out with a a fashionable look, you don’t have to say anything, they already know they look good. If you aren’t black, do not assume you look as good in these “fashion statements” as the black person in the room wearing the same thing. Black people will always look better in making these statements. Think separate but equal, in reverse.