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#10 SOUL Food

SOUL Food, or Stuff Only Us Like, which is consistent with black people’s tendency to shorten words/names/etc., is American style cuisine traditionally associated with African Americans. The word “soul” was and is commonly used to describe black culture, for example soul food, Soul Train, and most recently, Soul Plane, a groundbreaking “black people” film that certainly would have won the award for best writing in a motion picture…. at the 2004 BET Comedy Awards of course…. if not for the steep competition that year of; Head of State, Deliver Us from Eva, Johnson Family Vacation, Malibu’s Most Wanted, and Barbershop 2. The award… went to White Chicks.

Back to the discussion at hand, black people, and their soul food. Stereotypically it is believed that black people adore deep fried chicken, purple and red drinks, and corn bread. This is true. Very true. However, to say black people like chicken is inaccurate. Black people like SOUL Food. Chicken is just a part of it.

Stuff Only Us Like or SOUL Food, was popularized during the 1960’s but it’s origins are believed to go all the way back to the 14th Century. The traditional soul food of today includes but is not limited to; chicken gizzards, chicken livers, chitterlings, corn on the cob, country fried steak, fried chicken, fried fish, fried anything for that matter, ribs, black-eyed peas, not to be confused with the band “Black Eyed Peas,” cabbage, mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, cornbread, hush puppies, biscuits with honey, chow-chow, grits, rice pudding, sweet tea, purple drink, red drink, yellow cake, and of course, an abundant supply of hot sauce.

If you are planning a SOUL Food dinner party, it is a good idea to ask your one black friend which SOUL item’s are still SOUL item’s. Most people have adopted fried chicken and cornbread, but your black friend will certainly tell you, “Purple drink, chicken gizzards, chicken livers, pigs feet, and hoghead cheese dat be stuff only us like.”

#9 Hair Styles

    From the dreads of Bob Marley to people who “rock rough and and stuff with they Afro Puff’s,” black people very much like having a quality hair cut/style/do.  The stuff black people can do with their hair… it’s just…. it’s like a Transformer, one second it’s this, and then it is that.  One day Ben Wallace has a big puffy fro, the next he has spelled his name in cornrows across his head.

Speaking of cornrows, if you want to ask your one black friend for cornrows, do not make the mistake of saying “cornrolls” because this would be “whack.” Many white people, approximately 22,000 of them, are or at some time prior have been unsure as to the pronunciation of said word.  All black people of course know the correct spelling/pronunciation is cornrows from their extensive experience as Transformers.  This is proven by simply doing this google search.

What is amazing about the cornrows, besides the numerous shapes, words, patterns, and celebrity faces that black people can put them in, is how quickly they can become the best afro in the room.  Way better than your one Jewish friends Jew Fro at least.  And the things a black person will do with that fro.  Putt a pick in it, part it, puff it out into different shapes and curvatures.  It really is a work of art; black art (The Harlem Renaissance coming soon).  While Jewish people just sort of do this.

Black women do even more than their male counterparts, and those that can’t, get extensions until they can, something black people refer to as a “weave.”  Weave or not, black women have some of the most extensive and beautiful braids, curls, bangs, cornrows, dreads, and fros.  Often they will combine these together to create all new looks.  White girls in high school often experiment with these “combinations” for a unique look at prom, only to end up looking like Christian from Project Runway.

White girls will often spend hours on their hair, making exclamations like “Ugghh I like hate my hair!  Like it never stays how it is like supposed to.”  A black women’s hair stays exactly how they damn well want it.  And if they want it changed, they go to the bathroom for 3 minutes and come back looking like a whole new woman.  They like their hair.

If your one black friend visits you one day with some cornrows in, don’t be shocked to see him later in the day with a big puff.  Just take a deep breath, and remember; they are the only black person you know, and they are proud of their hair.  So smile, give them a pound, and say “What up G/Yo/Dawg?”

     Do you know where you can find over 200,000 pieces of literature that black people haven’t read? No not the library, but of course I am referring to the responses to a google search for “cure for sunburn.” Black people read just as much from the library as white people; not enough.
    The likelihood of a black person getting sun burnt is about as likely a white person at a Hitman Sammy Sam concert. It just doesn’t happen. When white people go out in the sun, they apply a great amount of suntan lotion, to protect their white skin. Black people will use little or none at all. If a black person is to apply anything, it will certainly be Cocoa Butter Lotion, which doesn’t serve the purpose of sun protection, but they like it, and don’t get burned anyways (check back for a full article on Cocoa Butter later).
    Being the token black friend in the group is another thing black people like, but they like meeting other token black friends too, so you should definitely consider inviting your one black friend on a trip of some sort, spring break, a road trip, or maybe to your college team’s bowl game (this is the least likely however, as your black friend will probably already be going, as a member of the team). Don’t bother inviting your black friend on ski trips, or a cruise up near Alaska, black people don’t like the cold so the odds of seeing another black person are minimal. That and most importantly, these trips don’t provide the hilarity for a black person to see their white friends get sun burnt.
    As much as they like not getting sun burnt, they absolutely think it is “off tha chain” seeing a family of 5 white people getting off their plain in Chicago, looking like they are those fans heading to a Chicago Bulls game in full body paint. Those people for the record are never black.
    Sure black people may get burnt, but they don’t get burnt like this white kid you see here, and they like that.

#7 Ice Cube

    Ice Cube, not to be confused with “ice cubes” whose ingredients of water and cold are 2 of black peoples least favorite things, is a well known musician, or as black people would call him, a “Rapper” or “Hip Hop Artist.” He is also a film writer, producer, director, and actor.
     Ice Cube or “Cube” which is consistent with black people’s habit’s of shortening words, and names, started his career as a west coast rapper, and was one of the founding members of NWA. Ice Cube was also one of the performing acts at the Up in Smoke Tour. With the exception of the show in Toronto, everyone that attended this concert was black, except the token white guy, Eminem, and the white girls that came with their black boyfriends.
    Ice Cube went on to become very involved in all aspects of the film industry. Most known to black people for his work on the epic “Friday” Trilogy, which he wrote, starred in, and produced. The first “Friday,” which features no visibly credited white people (see http://imdb.com/title/tt0113118/fullcredits#cast), is one of black people’s favorite works by their dawg Ice Cube. Sure white people like Ice Cube’s work too, but black people like Ice Cube’s work as white people like Coen Brothers films, and white people like those guys A LOT.
    Another significant point, is that white people like this movie because it is funny. Black people do find it funny but to them it is more than a comedy, it is a slice of life film that white people just can’t relate to, because they are white. The way white people laugh at the life of the poor under privileged black people from LA in “Friday” is comparable to the way black people laugh at the whiny upper middle class emo white people in “Garden State.”Ice Cube has several other films he has been involved with including Barbershop, Barbershop 2: Back in Business, Torque, Boyz in the Hood, and It’s All About the Benjamins. All of these are most assuredly in your one black friends DVD collection, with the exception of Torque. Not even Ice Cube could get the black community to adopt motorcycle driving, and if he can’t do it, no one can.
    Torque is a perfect example of a film that used Ice Cube to sell more tickets in the theater, by appealing to the black community. Torque, Anaconda, Three Kings, Ghosts of Mars, and the XXX sequel all are examples of this. It is highly likely your one black friend invited you to see the XXX sequel, and declined when you invited him to the first one. This is a perfect example of the Ice Cube Effect, on the film industry.From Friday to Straight Outta Compton black people really like Ice Cube’s work. He is a pinnacle member of the black community, and certainly is a part of your one black friends music and film collection.
    If you are thinking of buying a Ice Cube DVD for a black friend, steer clear of The Player’s Club, I Got the Hook Up, The Barbershop’s, and First Sunday. All black people own these films on DVD already. With the exception of First Sunday which hasn’t come out yet but your black friend probably pre-ordered it if they haven’t had their white friend download it illegally for them. Besides they will probably just tell you to keep it, and we both know, if you aren’t black you won’t watch these films.

When you were younger you more than likely participated in some recreational sports activity, and may have been pretty good. But if there were 5 or more black kids at your school, odds are you weren’t a starter on the varsity basketball team, and probably joined an intramural team instead. Black people sometimes join these intramural leagues so that they can remind white people just how good they are.

Sports are generally a great conversation starter when trying to make friends with black people, with the exceptions of Hockey, Swimming, and any sport encompassed by the X Games. It is better to keep the conversation about sports teams and other sports professionals however. If you try and get too personal, you will certainly find the conversation one sided, as your sports achievements will pale in comparison to your black friend’s.

The reasons black people like “being good at sports” are simple. They are faster, stronger, and more athletic, and thus being good at sports just comes naturally to them. At your local gym there will almost always be a pick up game of basketball being played. Your one black friend may even invite you to participate in these, and it is a great idea to accept, but a terrible idea to actually participate. When you get there try saying something like “I sprained my knee at my hockey game last night, I think I’ll just watch.” This is great for 2 reasons. It gets you out of a situation where you would have certainly been dunked on, taken to the house, schooled, owned, or generally disrespected. And 2, black people don’t like hockey. So you won’t have to return the favor and invite them to your next hockey game, that we both know doesn’t even exist.

Not only do black people like being good at sports, they like being the best at their sports, and reminding everyone of it by setting records that only other black people can beat. All the best athletes are black (with the few exceptions of course, Brett Favre anyone?). Michael Jordan, Barry Bonds, Lisa Leslie, Johan Santana (Hispanic, but he looks black), Adrian Peterson, Orlando Pace, Candace Parker, Randy Moss, Hank Aaron. Even the best golfer, a sport black people don’t usually partake in, is black. Tiger Woods. Maybe you heard of him.

Another important note. While black people traditionally don’t play hockey, ping pong, water sports, tennis, etc. it is a bad idea to challenge your black friend to these games. I don’t care if you attended a private prep school, lettered on the varsity tennis team, and finished with a perfect record. Your black friend who never played is better than you. If you are going to challenge a black person to these sports try not to take it too seriously, they aren’t. They consider it practice. Kind of like how men look at playing games against women.

#5 The NAACP

    Founded in 1909, the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) is one of the oldest civil rights organizations in the United States. The NAACP was a major contributor in the fight for equal rights for all people regardless of race. Today the NAACP works to ensure equal rights for all people regardless of race, ethnicity, etc., but primarily black people, which is why they like it so much.
    The last recorded lynching occurred in 1968. That is only 40 years ago. 40 YEARS AGO!??!! Between 1882 and 1968 there were 4,743 recognized executions, and certainly many more unknown killings for little more than insulting a white man, making boastful remarks, or seeking employment, which black people do DO, for the record. The hard work and determination of the black race and certainly the efforts of the NAACP put an end to these racial injustices, so of course the NAACP holds a special place in black peoples hearts.
    If you are hanging out with the one black person you know and the organization comes up in conversation, make sure you don’t pronounce it “N-A-A-C-P.” It is pronounced “N-double A-C-P” and your credibility will certainly be questioned if you don’t pronounce it this way. If you have made this mistake, and your one black friend is offended, try offering them a grape soda or lunch at Chik-Fil-A, this will certainly put you back in their good graces.
    While racism, ignorance, and irrational ill will between races does still exist today, America has come a long way in the last 100 years, largely due to the NAACP, which celebrates it’s 100 year birthday in 2009. Today, the NAACP has programs to encourage black people to engage in electoral processes, receive equal education, eliminate economic disparities, etc.
    Black people may not discuss the organization openly so you may not be aware of it, but it is a certainty that every black person above the age of 7 knows of the NAACP, and terrible injustices black people faced just 40 years ago. There is no point in beating around the bush. There is no bush for black people. Just concrete, school yards, and the same desire and potential as every other person, of every other race color and gender.

#4 Hot Sauce

Hot sauce is such an important part of black people’s diet’s that it should have it’s own food group on The Food Guide Pyramid.  Tobasco, Rooster, Cholula, Alabama Sunshine, Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce, Mad Dog, Red Hot, at least 3 of these will be found at any one time in a black person’s sauce collection.

The reason for so many kinds of hot sauce is that black people not only enjoy hot sauce on traditional food items like the “hot wing” but will put it on most anything, if not everything.  Hot sauce on fries, pizzas, burgers, turkey, pasta dishes, fish, steaks, and mashed potatoes is not uncommon.  If you happen to work at an Asian restaurant, it is a good idea to have hot sauce packets on hand, as black people will favor this over the more traditional soy sauce.  If you have a restaurant and are looking to expand your customer base into the black market, there is no need to add new menu items, just put a bottle of hot sauce on the tables and the black people you cater to will be more than pleased.

If you are having a black person over for dinner, do not feel the need to go out and buy a bottle of hot sauce, because black people enjoy hot sauce so much that they will more than likely carry their favorite brand with them at all times.  When visiting a black person’s house for dinner it is a good idea to ask them if they have any hot sauce, as back people very much enjoy discussing their favorite hot sauces throughout the meal.  You may even be in such good favor with them that you may receive a “pound,” which is the act of punching fists together.  Do not fear this fist, it will not hurt, and in fact is a sign of respect in the black communities greeting and departing processes.

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