#17 Down Home With The Neely’s

I was watching a little “barefoot contessa” the other day when I discovered this gem. While I didn’t watch it long, (Remember. I’m not black.) It did light the proverbial fire inside me, to make my first post in quite some time.  Now back to the post.

Now I don’t have any proof, evidence, research, or qualification of any kind to make the statement I am about to make, … Buuuuut, black people, most certainly, like Down Home With the Nelly’s.  WHITE MOMENT Is it just me, or does that not make any sense. Down – home – with…. what? Is there a black translator out there? I could really use an explanation.

The episode “Walkin’ in Memphis” is the episode I caught. I wasn’t surprised to find out that SOUL food (stuff only us like) was the featured food. The next time I have my one black friend over, I may use this episode to prepare a meal he likes. If you try this yourself, I warn you now, do not watch DHN with out subtitles. Especially if you are trying to take down the recipe. I watch Top Chef, you use a teaspoon instead of a tablespoon, and you’ll be packing your knifes and go….ing.

Annnnnddddddddd that’s it, that’s all I got. Just go watch the show and see for yourself.

Ohhh yeah, and the Neely’s have a couch in their yard.  A couch. In the yard.

# 16 or so… BASS… oh and JAZZ too.

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BOOM BOOM BOOM Hot shit! Ohhhhh I’m going down down baby, no skates on the escalator, BOOM BOOM baby! Come on and tell me now! Sugar on my Cocoa Puffs Listen to me Now!

Oh Nelly, how I miss you rattling the trunk of my car.

I remember when I was 16. I got this tiny little Ford Escort ZX2… so cool right…. except mine looked more like this. Yeah I scored a whole lot with that thing….

It wasn’t long after I got the Rad Red Racer that my one black friend told me about Bass.

“What’s Bass?” I asked myself, I mean. I know that this treble thing makes it easier to hear the vocals.

From there it was a Best Buy overhaul. I had two 12″ Polk Audio Subs. They brought the bass. I was one of those clowns rolling around town with a license plate rattling so loud I thought every nelly song had hi hat. Even the Skits.

Though I don’t know if they Pump That Bass. What ever that means….

Not sure what any of the lyrics have to do with bass…. I just know that Lil Wayne likes bass. PS White people like Lil Wayne. At least I do. There is probably a post about that already. And if there isn’t there should be…

I checked. There isn’t. Shame. Even bigger shame is that the first “stuff white like” post to come up in a search of “stuff white like Lil Wayne” was a rather bitter comment about how unfortunate it is that “scarves” are not white only anymore because of “gangsta” Lil Wayne in #97 Scarves.

If I were Weezy. I’d be pissed about this. The guy is easily one of the most liked black people by white people… I mean… Mos Def got one, and Barrack Obama got one too. Whitey likes Weezy, let’s get on that. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Bass.

I just recently got back from my little brothers high school band concert. As I often do, I searched for as many stereotypes as I could find amongst this younger generation. There were no male flute players. There were no women Baritone players. There weren’t any black players period. Soon everything was explained.

The Jazz Band came on next. Black people like Jazz. At least they like being good at it. Look at all the greatest jazz players and see the overwhelming number of black musicians.

Here’s a poll for greatest Jazz Musician. Here are the current highest rated musicians

Louis Armstrong Black – Check

Miles Davis Black – Check

John Coltrane Black – Check

Charlie Parker, Sonny Rollins, Thelonious Monk, Dizzy Gillespie – Check Check Check Check

(I would like to take a moment here to clarify something obvious that many people might not GET. Black people like Jazz. That’s a joke. That’s supposed to be THE joke. Black people. Just like White people. Just like People people! Like MUSIC. That’s the truth. But that’s not as fun to write about.)

Where was I again! Bass, yeah..

So the Jazz band came on. My brother, my literal, white brother, not like the way black people say it, TRIED, to play sax. But my attention was back to my stereotypes. Sure enough. There they were. Two of the six black kids in the school. Playing the bass. And a well known fact. Is that black people can play bass.

So from all of this what have we learned. I don’t know. I still have no idea why black people like bass. What to do. AHA! Idea. Where do you go for A QUALITY CORRECT AND ALWAYS USEFUL ANSWER. Of course. Yahoo Answers!

SBPLA: Hey Yahoo! I got a question for you?

Yahoo!: What is it this time? Why is the sky blue. Why are Men better at ALL sports than Women? (You have to read the current BEST ANSWER. Then prepare to feel dumber and dumber as you read comment after comment. THE ANSWER is just THATS THE WAY WE ARE MADE. Don’t argue with Biology. And don’t argue with Religion while you are at it. It must be said however the physical shape, work ethic, determination, will, and desire to win, to be the best, to be better… well things like that can change even “facts” like this one.) Are boogers healthy? That one was answered by a real regular here on yahoo answers.

SBPLA: No. Yahoo! I was just wondering why black people like Bass. Could you tell me? My one black friend is out of town. He doesn’t like the cold. Being black and all. So he moves away during the winter.

YAHOO!: Oh why didnt you just say so. I got the answer to that age old question right here.

SBPLA: Thanks Yahoo!

And thank you “back alley abortion” for your “best answer” Turns out black people are more rhythmical. Bass is a rhythm instrument. And this is because of the black, or more appropriately for anyone who only just got pissed off now, African American, culture historically encouraging dancing. While us uppety white folk frowned upon dancing. Just look at any 50’s school dance scene in a movie. You’ll see the stereotypes in effect.

With that. I still don’t know why they like the BOOM BOOM bass of Nelly’s Hot Shit. But I feel confident through all the facts and evidence and examples presented here. That I can safely and stereotypically say. That black people like bass. Also.

BEING GOOD AT SPORTS : DEVIN HESTER

click below to see why

DEVIN HESTER IS SO GOOD AT SPORTS

YES – That is indeed. How you return a punt.

Devin Hester is a very black dude. I mean look at him. He’s black. And he is damn good at sports. Very good at sports. He returned the opening kick of the Super Bowl XLI (41) and everyone knew the Bears were still going to lose, (final score Colts beat the Bears – a lot to a little). In my opinion they should have put in Orton then. Granted what he is now isn’t what he used to be.

Enough about The Bears, this is about Devin Hester (click for a delightful biography). A model black guy who likes being good at sports. He also happens to be a HUGE fan of BERRY CHILL. From this link you may not guess it. But the proof is on the internet. But it isn’t as easy as click this link and there it is. I, like Morpheus, offer you the choice. Would you like to take the Red Pill and watch a delightful Devin Hester Ad and a cute Berry Chill Employee. Or do you take the Blue Pill. And see a behind the scenes making.

IF YOU DIDN’T TAKE BOTH PILLS SKIP DOWN

Assuming you took both pills!!!!!! And didn’t overdose. I would like to say a few things. First DEVIN!!! What gives!! Not once did yo say anything close to LIKING the place. Did you even know where you were? Oh that’s right. You are there for the exposure. So this was a new environment for you.

On a side note. That girl didn’t seem all that cool. Maybe that was just me. But she sounded like one of those white girls that talk just to talk. Black girls don’t do this I am told. My one black friend says everything the black woman says is important to THEM. How can I argue with that if I believe my Mother is right when she yelled “EVEN IF I’M WRONG, I’M RIGHT” at me for something I didn’t do.

But if everything a black woman says is important to THEM, and my white mother is right even when she is wrong. Then is it possible that everything EVERY woman says is important to THEM. I sit here perplexed by this struggling to remember the last time I said anything important. Where was I? Oh Yeah….

TO HERE

Either way. That Berry Chill looks damn good! And I think I know for sure what Devin Hester has in his Crunk Cup. So everyone black and white alike, come together and enjoy a Berry Chill. Because you might be able to get a Devin Hester autograph.

“Insert Color Here” DRINK

SIDE NOTE – Hello again Internet world. It has been some time since my last post and apologize for the delay. I have no excuse really. It’s not like I’m busy (I’m a white guy with a blog about black people). I encourage ANYONE of you Black, White, Yellow, or Mexican color to join the STUFFBLACKPEOPLELIKEALSO blog writing team. We currently and proudly have a membership of 1. Just hit me with a comment if you interested.

ONE OTHER NOTE – I don’t really only have “1 black friend” that was just a joke, playing pff of the “token black guy” Do black people like being that? I don’t know. Tell me. And I am not racist in the least. If you find any of this racist I suggest you look up the definition of “stereotype” and/or “ignorant” you may be suffering from these preventing you from grasping the “humor”

With that being said.

Let’s talk about Drink. I polled all the white people in my neighborhood 1 wuestion, “What kind of drink do black people prefer, PURPLE/GRAPE or RED/WHATEVER RED TASTES LIKE” The results were a dead even 756 for each. Then I polled the black person in my neighborhood and asked, the same question. The results were Conclusive. 100% said “Don’t matter what color. I like drink.”

In popular culture the association between a black person and drink is well documented. Harold and Kumar 2, Chris Tucker in Money Talks references a whole slew of SOUL Food items including Kool-Aid, the technical term of many colored drink.

In popular music you can’t go into any “Urban” themed bar and not heat T Pain’s “Let me buy you a drrrrraaannk” moving all the big bottomed girls on the dance floor. Lil Jon one of the first to “popularize” the Crunk Cup, a large decorative uhm, CUP, like the wrong answer to “Choose Wisely” in The Last Crusade. Attention white people, should you see Lil Jon out DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT inquire about the Crunk Cup. You put yourself at risk when attempting to use “black lingo.” Once you say “Crunk Cup” your only one “OOOOOKKKK” away from using “SKEET! SKEET! Which should NEVER come up when discussing the drink in the CRUNK CUP. I’ve seen this happen 100’s of times.

In Conclusion, while white people are mixed when it comes to the right answer to which color black people prefer and will probably never be certain. To black people as was confirmed by 100% response in the survey above. Black people just want drink.

So the age old question. What do black people like to drink?

And is it COLOR or is it FLAVOR. Cuz There is red drink, but then there would be purple drink, but I have heard it called Grape drink, but then what the hell is red drink!? It’s all so confusing.

(Revisited) #3 Their Mama

Paul Pierce and KG better look the hell out. 

Another example of a black mama you wouldn’t want to mess with…

http://www.boston.com/sports/basketball/celtics/articles/2008/05/14/a_parents_plea__apparently/

 

So what did that angry black mama say to you Paul Pierce?”

I really don’t know, She was just coming to her son; that’s how moms are when they see something happening to their kids.”

So you understand the woman’s actions?

“My mom probably would’ve done the same thing.”

In another version of the same story,

http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/8133208/LeBron-yells-at-mom-to-sit-down-after-hard-foul

 

“Kevin Garnett, trailing on the play, tried to calm her and Wally Szczerbiak approached her for a high five, but Gloria James was too angry to pay attention to either.”

I bet she was too angry.  Not only was her baby boy (at ONLY 6’8″ 240) fouled hard by Pierce, but she has KG touching her, who sweat rolls off of faster than a Kenyan in a marathon, and a goofy looking white guy named Wally trying to give her a high five like he is down with the whole hand shaking, slapping, and pounding ritual, that black people have perfected and love. 

Hey there!!

Hello everyone. Sorry I have been absent from the posting scene for the last few weeks, I have been very busy. I am working on several new posts at the moment, but would much appreciate some suggestions or topics that you would like to see written about. I only have one black friend so I could really use your help. What does your one black friend like???

#11 Matching From Head to Toe to Beyond

     What do Oodles, Flat Top, Prune Face, Cheater Gunsmoke, and Big Boy all have in common? No they aren’t rappers. They are characters in the Dick Tracy comic book series, and like black people they like matching from head to toe.

Black people match head to toe in assorted classic ways; a powder blue Nike track suit, Sean Paul cashmere pajamas, color coordinated sweatbands like AI and Melo on the Nuggets (see #1 Making Fashion Statements), or big single color suits like the gangsters in Dick Tracy. Black people will often invest in numerous pairs of shoes to match their baseball caps that will most certainly match their Tall Tees.

A big part of matching head to toe is color coordination. If you walk into a predominately black people club, not only will you find 50 cent, but you will most assuredly find black people that look like the 7 or 8 Crayola crayons you have been missing since grade school, or those really obnoxious M&M’s. You can admire from a far, but saying something like, “Look at all the colors,” is a bad idea as this statement will most certainly be misunderstood, frowned upon, and could result in a serious beating.
Metals are another element that black people use to match head to toe. Black people will match their gold sun glass rims to their gold grills and their platinum chains to their platinum rings.  Speaking of accessories, black people often go beyond matching just their person.  A black person will match their outfit with the interior of their car, the rubber bands holding their cornrows, the garnish in their drink, wearing green and it’s a lime, red and it’s a cherry etc., the food they chose to eat, and even their wallet, debit card, and choice of candy bar. If it doesn’t match, they won’t have anything to do with it, until they change their color scheme of course.

So if you are buying your one black friend something at the gas station it is important to remember what they were wearing, but if you forget your safest bet is always a Hershey’s Bar, they will always be wearing some of that color.

#10 SOUL Food

SOUL Food, or Stuff Only Us Like, which is consistent with black people’s tendency to shorten words/names/etc., is American style cuisine traditionally associated with African Americans. The word “soul” was and is commonly used to describe black culture, for example soul food, Soul Train, and most recently, Soul Plane, a groundbreaking “black people” film that certainly would have won the award for best writing in a motion picture…. at the 2004 BET Comedy Awards of course…. if not for the steep competition that year of; Head of State, Deliver Us from Eva, Johnson Family Vacation, Malibu’s Most Wanted, and Barbershop 2. The award… went to White Chicks.

Back to the discussion at hand, black people, and their soul food. Stereotypically it is believed that black people adore deep fried chicken, purple and red drinks, and corn bread. This is true. Very true. However, to say black people like chicken is inaccurate. Black people like SOUL Food. Chicken is just a part of it.

Stuff Only Us Like or SOUL Food, was popularized during the 1960’s but it’s origins are believed to go all the way back to the 14th Century. The traditional soul food of today includes but is not limited to; chicken gizzards, chicken livers, chitterlings, corn on the cob, country fried steak, fried chicken, fried fish, fried anything for that matter, ribs, black-eyed peas, not to be confused with the band “Black Eyed Peas,” cabbage, mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, cornbread, hush puppies, biscuits with honey, chow-chow, grits, rice pudding, sweet tea, purple drink, red drink, yellow cake, and of course, an abundant supply of hot sauce.

If you are planning a SOUL Food dinner party, it is a good idea to ask your one black friend which SOUL item’s are still SOUL item’s. Most people have adopted fried chicken and cornbread, but your black friend will certainly tell you, “Purple drink, chicken gizzards, chicken livers, pigs feet, and hoghead cheese dat be stuff only us like.”

#9 Hair Styles

    From the dreads of Bob Marley to people who “rock rough and and stuff with they Afro Puff’s,” black people very much like having a quality hair cut/style/do.  The stuff black people can do with their hair… it’s just…. it’s like a Transformer, one second it’s this, and then it is that.  One day Ben Wallace has a big puffy fro, the next he has spelled his name in cornrows across his head.

Speaking of cornrows, if you want to ask your one black friend for cornrows, do not make the mistake of saying “cornrolls” because this would be “whack.” Many white people, approximately 22,000 of them, are or at some time prior have been unsure as to the pronunciation of said word.  All black people of course know the correct spelling/pronunciation is cornrows from their extensive experience as Transformers.  This is proven by simply doing this google search.

What is amazing about the cornrows, besides the numerous shapes, words, patterns, and celebrity faces that black people can put them in, is how quickly they can become the best afro in the room.  Way better than your one Jewish friends Jew Fro at least.  And the things a black person will do with that fro.  Putt a pick in it, part it, puff it out into different shapes and curvatures.  It really is a work of art; black art (The Harlem Renaissance coming soon).  While Jewish people just sort of do this.

Black women do even more than their male counterparts, and those that can’t, get extensions until they can, something black people refer to as a “weave.”  Weave or not, black women have some of the most extensive and beautiful braids, curls, bangs, cornrows, dreads, and fros.  Often they will combine these together to create all new looks.  White girls in high school often experiment with these “combinations” for a unique look at prom, only to end up looking like Christian from Project Runway.

White girls will often spend hours on their hair, making exclamations like “Ugghh I like hate my hair!  Like it never stays how it is like supposed to.”  A black women’s hair stays exactly how they damn well want it.  And if they want it changed, they go to the bathroom for 3 minutes and come back looking like a whole new woman.  They like their hair.

If your one black friend visits you one day with some cornrows in, don’t be shocked to see him later in the day with a big puff.  Just take a deep breath, and remember; they are the only black person you know, and they are proud of their hair.  So smile, give them a pound, and say “What up G/Yo/Dawg?”

#8 Not Getting Sunburnt

     Do you know where you can find over 200,000 pieces of literature that black people haven’t read? No not the library, but of course I am referring to the responses to a google search for “cure for sunburn.” Black people read just as much from the library as white people; not enough.

    The likelihood of a black person getting sun burnt is about as likely a white person at a Hitman Sammy Sam concert. It just doesn’t happen. When white people go out in the sun, they apply a great amount of suntan lotion, to protect their white skin. Black people will use little or none at all. If a black person is to apply anything, it will certainly be Cocoa Butter Lotion, which doesn’t serve the purpose of sun protection, but they like it, and don’t get burned anyways (check back for a full article on Cocoa Butter later).

    Being the token black friend in the group is another thing black people like, but they like meeting other token black friends too, so you should definitely consider inviting your one black friend on a trip of some sort, spring break, a road trip, or maybe to your college team’s bowl game (this is the least likely however, as your black friend will probably already be going, as a member of the team). Don’t bother inviting your black friend on ski trips, or a cruise up near Alaska, black people don’t like the cold so the odds of seeing another black person are minimal. That and most importantly, these trips don’t provide the hilarity for a black person to see their white friends get sun burnt.

    As much as they like not getting sun burnt, they absolutely think it is “off tha chain” seeing a family of 5 white people getting off their plain in Chicago, looking like they are those fans heading to a Chicago Bulls game in full body paint. Those people for the record are never black.

    Sure black people may get burnt, but they don’t get burnt like this white kid you see here, and they like that.